Sydney is a Blonde, Melbourne is a Brunette
yet another take on the beef between two vego friendly cities
Hello lovers,
It’s been a month or so since my salad rant and I’ve had time to do a few things namely fly to Sydney to visit my girlfriend, start an Instagram special called Melbourne Baes, pick up Facebook marketplace steals from affluent suburbs I like to read on TikTok, prepare for my Melbourne Comedy Festival show, tickets here 15 % off with code LOVERS x.
While I spent a week in Sydney I attempted to write a smart, witty summary of the differences between Melbourne and Sydney with the goal to end the rivalry. But when rude Sydneysiders told me to go back to Melbourne because I had the audacity to do a roast on Bondi (is there a more roastable place?!), I decided to limit my commentary to a list. So here we go:
Sydney is a Blonde, Melbourne is a Brunette.
Sydney is grand romantic gestures, red roses, and a public proposal at like, the Opera House, the Harbour Bridge, or some fancy restaurant. Melbourne is a handwritten haiku, a bunch of native flowers, getting fingered in a laneway and going to Moroccan soup bar.
Melbourne is learning how to develop your own rolls of film in a DIY home darkroom, Sydney is a Polaroid.
Melbourne did it before it was cool, Sydney invested in it before it was cool.
Sydney has trains, trams, and buses. Melbourne has those things too, but only cares about trams.
Melbourne is ashamed about having gone to a private school. Sydney has no shame about their schooling, because Sydney has moved on, and besides, they had a glow up after high school so why are we still talking about school?
Melbourne has an arts degree. Sydney has an arts degree. Both are unemployable, but for different reasons we won’t go in to right now, ok.
Sydney is scarred by lockdown laws, Melbourne is scarred by the world’s longest lockdown.
Sydney’s airport is easily accessible by public transport. Melbourne Airport is hard to get to because they assumed that you wouldn’t want to leave.
Melbourne sucks in winter. Sydney simply doesn’t do winter.
Sydney gays have Mardi Gras, and the whole city decks itself out in rainbows to celebrate. Melbourne gays wear black at Midsumma, just like on the 364 other days of the year.
Melbourne is vegan for the planet, and the health benefits. Sydney is vegan for the planet, and the health benefits, and also heard it makes you lose weight?
Melbournians love to go to Sydney for a long weekend and secretly have the best time of their lives. Sydney residents love to come to Melbourne for a long weekend and publicly proclaim how good a time they had visiting. Both agree they couldn’t live in the other.
I’ll be back with another newsletter in April. Until then, I hope that your barista finally remembers your name and order, I hope that you don’t get added to any new whatsapp group chats, and I hope that your public transportation of choice arrives on time or maybe slightly late if you’re also running slightly late. And lastly, I need to plug my show one more time remember to use the code LOVERS if you want 15% off, I’ve capped this at the first 50 tickets to create an artificial sense of urgency, but I love you & trust you enough to keep this intel between us x